My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
