Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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