I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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