I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
