I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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