mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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