I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Everything about him screamed your future.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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