All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
