Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
