Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is the high leading the old right now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
