we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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