if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
