Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just invented taco cereal.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
