If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
