I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
