Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry about my life...
I believe in your delicious
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
