When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
