I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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