Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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