Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
