I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
