I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
