I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
