We need to start having sex underwater more often.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
