I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
