I CAN MOONWALK!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
