My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
