My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
