I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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