How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think my fart just growled at me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
