God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
