we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
