She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
