im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
