Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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