I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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