Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want to fling myself into the sun
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
