rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
