i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
