it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
