So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
