I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
