my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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