he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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