He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
