Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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