the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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