I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
