I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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