i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
