Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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